ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
BRIAN!
[ Banging on door ]
BRIAN!
[ Scream ]
[ Panting/gasping ]
JUSTIN? SWEETHEART,
IT'S JUST A DREAM. DAMN! DON'T...
TOUCH ME.
[ Sobbing ]
[ ?????? ]
MMM.
GOD, I WANT HIS ASS.
WHO DOESN'T?
NO, NO I MEAN, I REALLY WANT HIS ASS,
INSTEAD OF THIS TIRED OLD THING.
YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID YOUR ASS IS YOUR FINEST FEATURE.
ONLY LATELY, IT'S LOOKING A LITTLE... PEAKED.
YEAH WELL, MAYBE IT NEEDS A REST.
WHAT IT NEEDS... IS A LIFT.
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR PLASTIC SURGERY.
[ Scoffing ] THIS LIFE CAN WEAR YOU OUT
BY THE TIME YOU'RE 30. RIGHT, BRIAN?
[ Chuckle ]
BESIDES, SELF-IMPROVEMENT
IS SOMETHING WE SHOULD ALL STRIVE FOR
NOW MATTER WHAT AGE.
TRUST ME, TAKE IT FROM ME;
GLUTEAL ENHANCEMENT IS VERY PRICEY.
MY... GOD, TEDDY!
DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE HAD WORK DONE.
YEAH, BECAUSE IF YOU HAVE, I'D SUE.
HUH. I'M SPEAKING IN MY PROFESSIONAL CAPACITY
AS A FINANCIAL ADVISOR.
BUTT-WORK COSTS BIG BUCKS.
BIG BUCKS, I DON'T HAVE.
WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD SELL THAT OLD TIRED ASS
FOR A NEW ONE.
HM-MM-MM-MM.
I JUST GOT
THE MOST FUCKING AMAZING BLOW JOB.
WANT A BUMP?
Ted, Emmett & Brian: NO, THANKS. THANK YOU.
LOOKS LIKE FUN, THOUGH.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?
IT'S LATE.
TOMORROW'S A WORKDAY.
YEAH, FOR SOME OF US.
SIGHTSEEING'S OVER.
IT'S EARLY, C'MON!
WE JUST GOT HERE.
LET'S PARTY.
YOU'VE BEEN PARTYING EVER SINCE YOU GOT BACK.
SO WHAT IF I HAVE? I-I'M FREE NOW,
I CAN STAY UP ALL NIGHT AND FUCK MY BRAINS OUT LIKE YOU.
[ Scoffing ]
LET'S DANCE.
I DON'T WANT TO. IT'LL BE GOOD FOR YOU.
IT'LL TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THINGS.
I SAID I DON'T WANT TO.
WELL YOU ALWAYS LIKED DANCING WITH JUSTIN.
[ ?????? ]
OKAY, BOYS, WHAT'LL IT BE?
JESUS CHRIST, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I'M NOT QUITE SURE, BUT WHATEVER IT WAS,
MY HEAD FEELS LIKE THE DANCE FLOOR AT BABYLON.
YEAH WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR STAYING OUT
SUCKIN' AND FUCKIN' TILL ALL HOURS. HUH?
ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.
I'M NOT IN SCHOOL, MA.
YEAH WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE.
YOU GOTTA A LOT OF LEARNIN' TO DO.
BEFORE YOU START THE LECTURE,
COULD I ORDER FIRST, PLEASE?
I WANT YOU TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
ON AN EMPTY STOMACH
SO MAYBE YOU'LL DIGEST IT.
GET OVER DAVID. GET A JOB. AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
NOW.
WHAT'LL IT BE?
BACON AND EGGS. EGGS OVER EASY.
EA...SY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY EASY.
MMM, MAKE IT TWO. THREE.
AND PLENTY OF BLACK COFFEE.
Emmett: YOUR MOM'S RIGHT, SWEETIE.
FOR YOUR OWN DIGNITY,
YOUR OWN SELF-WORTH,
NOT TO MENTION YOUR HALF OF THE RENT,
YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO WORK.
DOING WHAT? WELL,
THERE'S ALWAYS THE BIG Q.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE CRAP EMPORIUM.
HE NEEDS TO TRY SOMETHING NEW. SOMETHING DARING,
SOMETHING FABULOUS. NO...
FUCK FABULOUS. HE NEEDS SOME- THING STEADY,
SOMETHING PRACTICAL, SOMETHING SECURE.
LIKE, BEING AN ACCOUNTANT?
HE SHOULD ONLY BE SO LUCKY.
Ted: YEAH, I'VE GOT A PENSION FUND,
HEALTH PLAN, MOST IMPORTANTLY, PEACE OF MIND.
I GO TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
KNOWING THAT IN, UH, 31 YEARS
WHEN I RETIRE FROM WERTSHAFTER & COMPANY,
I CAN MOVE DOWN TO BOCA, LIVE LIKE A KING.
OR QUEEN.
HOW WOULD LIKE YOUR TOAST, YOUR MAJESTY?
WITH STRAWBERRY JAM OR CAVIAR? [ Chuckling ]
[ Groan ]
Brian: [ Reading ] ATTACH PART J TO PART K...
USING A... GRATCHET?
[ Scoffing ] WHAT THE FUCK IS A GRATCHET?
Lindsay: BEATS ME.
I'M SURE MEL WOULD KNOW. SHE'S A WHIZ WITH HARDWARE.
OH, I BET.
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST HIRE SOMEONE ELSE.
HEY! IT'S YOUR DUTY AS A FATHER
TO BUILD YOUR SON'S FIRST SWING SET.
NOW GET CRACKING, I WANT IT READY FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
I KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY
I WAS JACKING OFF INTO THAT CUP.
[ Giggling ] AND YOU AND MICHAEL AND JUSTIN
WERE TEARING INTO THE ROOM.
YOU COULDN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD A SON.
[ Rattle of socket wrench ]
TWO SONS.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HIS MOTHER A CALL AND...
SEE HOW HE'S DOING?
SHE DOESN'T EVER WANT ME TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
I KNOW, BUT... MAYBE IF YOU SPOKE TO HER...
NO, SHE'S RIGHT.
IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
WAIT, WAIT.
FUCK THIS.
MAYBE I'LL HAVE IT DONE IN TIME FOR YOUR WEDDING.
AH, THERE WON'T BE ANY WEDDING.
HMM, MEL TURNED ME DOWN.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Forced chuckle ]
OH, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU LAUGHING, FINALLY... ASSHOLE.
YOU FINALLY PRO- POSED TO HER AND SHE BLEW YOU OFF?
HMM. HOW COME?
OH, FOR REASONS I'M SURE YOU'D APPRECIATE.
"I DON'T THINK A MEANINGLESS, HETEROSEXUAL RITUAL
WOULD PROVE OUR LOVE, AND IT WOULDN'T BE LEGAL ANYWAY."
HEY, CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
HEY, I WAS ON THE DEBATE TEAM. I CAN ARGUE ANYTHING.
BUT I THINK FOR ONCE, I AGREE... WITH MELANIE.
FUCK WEDDINGS.
FUCK RITUALS, AND...
FUCK THIS SWING SET! [ Chuckle ]
MIKE!
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU TOO, TRACE.
WHAT MADE YOU COME BACK?
YOU WERE REALLY EXCITED ABOUT GOING.
DAVID AND I BROKE UP.
OH. TSK, I'M SORRY.
YEAH.
SO, I'M JUST KIND OF PICKING UP WHERE I LEFT OFF.
I THOUGHT I'D COME BY HERE AND SEE IF MY OLD JOB IS...
WELL, LOOK WHO'S HONOURING US
WITH HIS PRESENCE. HEY, ANDREW.
NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN, NOVOTNY.
MIKE'S MOVED BACK TO PITTSBURGH. NO KIDDING.
MUST'VE MISSED IT ON THE NEWS.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE RESTOCKING?
YES, SIR.
SO, THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT, HUH?
WELL, I WOULDN'T... I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO TRY NEW THINGS.
DISCOVER WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU, AND...
WHERE YOU REALLY BELONG, AND I DISCOVERED THAT WHAT'S RIGHT FOR ME IS...
BEING HERE. YOU KNOW,
MAYBE EVEN GET MY OLD JOB BACK.
OH, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU,
BUT YOUR OLD JOB'S BEEN FILLED.
OH. AFTER YOU LEFT,
DON PROMOTED ME.
THAT'S GREAT. YEAH.
I WAS GLAD TO SEE HE FINALLY CAME TO HIS SENSES.
SO I GUESS YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.
I GUESS I AM.
UM...
WELL, IF YOU HAPPEN TO HEAR OF ANYTHING...
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
WE DO HAVE A POSITION FOR WHICH I THINK
YOU'D BE IDEALLY SUITED,
SINCE YOU ALREADY HAD IT.
ASSISTANT MANAGER.
YOU MEAN... WORKING FOR YOU?
YOU GOT IT.
LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.
Jennifer: HE HAD NIGHTMARES AGAIN LAST NIGHT.
I WENT IN TO COMFORT HIM, BUT, UH...
THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S... NORMAL...
HUH, IF YOU CAN CALL THAT NORMAL;
THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOUR
IF SOMEONE'S BEEN ATTACKED.
BUT... [ Sighing ]
TO SEE HIM IN THAT KIND OF PAIN...
YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HELP HIM. ONLY,
THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY WAY.
I CAN'T.
IT'S OKAY.
[ Sniffle ]
HERE.
THANKS.
HAVE SOME COCONUT CAKE.
AH... NO THANKS.
VIC MADE IT HIMSELF. YEAH,
IT'S MY WARMUP FOR GUS' BIRTHDAY.
HE USED TO BE A PASTRY CHEF.
BLACK BOTTOMS WERE MY SPECIALTY.
[ Clearing of throat ]
I DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
MMM.
THIS IS GOOD. TOO GOOD.
WE FAGGOTS ARE A TALENTED BUNCH.
YOU GOTTA HAND US THAT.
INDESTRUCTIBLE TOO. [ Chuckling ]
IF AIDS AND GAY-BASHERS
AND CRACKPOT CHRISTIANS AND FUCKING REPUBLICANS
CAN'T DESTROY YOU, NOTHING CAN!
AND JUSTIN'LL MAKE IT TOO.
YOU'LL SEE.
AHH. I GOTTA RUN.
MOLLY'S GOING TO COME BACK FROM HER PLAY DATE.
THANKS FOR THE CAKE.
Vic: [ Chuckle ]
Vic: WE'LL SEE YOU, JEN.
YOU KNOW, JEN, THEY SAY THAT A BOY'S BEST FRIEND,
ESPECIALLY A GAY BOY, IS HIS MOTHER.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.
MAYBE WHAT HE NEEDS RIGHT NOW IS SOMEBODY ELSE.
SOMEBODY WHO COULD GET CLOSE TO HIM.
MORE IMPORTANT, SOMEONE THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO BE CLOSE TO.
DEBBIE,
I'M SORRY, BUT NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.
WELL... IT WAS JUST A SUGGESTION.
BESIDES, I CAN LOOK AFTER HIM MYSELF.
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
OKAY.
[ ?????? ]
BRIAN!
I'M GLAD IT'S YOU.
WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE?
HUH. WHERE YOU GOING?
IN. DID I SAY YOU COULD?
DON'T GIVE ME ANY SHIT, ALL RIGHT?
I NEARLY FREAKED OUT FIVE TIMES GETTING HERE.
WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO NEARLY FREAK OUT
FIVE MORE TIMES GETTING HOME.
I WANT TO SEE YOU. WELL YOU CAN'T, OKAY?
WHY NOT?
ARE YOU FUCKING SOME GUY?
NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
NOW GO AWAY.
BUT WHY?
WHY?
[ Quiet chatter ] [ Ringing of phones ]
Ted: YOU CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT THIS GUY CAN TAKE.
NO WONDER THEY CALL HIM "THE CHUNNEL".
ARE YOU ON MISTERFISTER.NET AGAIN?
IT'S MY LATE-AFTERNOON COFFEE BREAK.
Emmett: As opposed to your early- afternoon coffee break,
YOUR LATE-MORNING COFFEE BREAK...
SOME GUYS GET ALL THE BREAKS.
WHEN DO YOU EVER FIND THE TIME TO WORK?
Ted: I manage to fit it in.
ACTUALLY, RIGHT NOW
I SHOULD BE WORKING ON THE MAGRUDER REPORT.
WERTSHAFTER'S EXPECTING IT AT...
HOLY SHIT. HE'S PLAYING "HIDE THE HYDRANT".
THEFIREHYDRANT?
FUCK!
SHIT. What?
WHAT?
I JUST SPILLED COFFEE ON MY PANTS.
WATCH OUT FOR THE CREAM.
UH... I-I GOTTA GET OFF. Sure you didn't already?
OH.
FUCK!
SCHMIDT.
Actor: [ On computer ] [ Moaning ]
[ ?????? on computer ]
[ Stammering ] M-M-MR. WERTSHAFTER, I...
I CAN...
I CAN EXPLAIN THIS. I, UH, UH...
[ Stammering ]
Actor: [ Loud moans ] FUCK.
FUCK!
[ Grunt of effort ]
JUSTIN, MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
STOP IT! STOP!
WHY IS JUSTIN FREAKING OUT?
MOLLY, GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. GO ON!
JUSTIN, PLEASE,
STOP IT, PLEASE. UGH!
[ Gasp ] YOU TOLD HIM
YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME ANYMORE, DIDN'T YOU?
IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD AND HE AGREED.
YOU HAD NO RIGHT!
JUSTIN, I-I... I JUST WANT YOU SAFE,
I WANT EVERY- THING TO BE ALL RIGHT. OH!
[ Yelling/ panting ] WELL, GUESS WHAT?
IT IS TOO LATE!
THINGS ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, MY LIFE
IS FUCKED!
CHRIS HOBBS SAW TO THAT.
HE SHOULD'VE FUCKING KILLED ME!
[ Sobs ]
[ Clatter of objects ]
[ Panting ]
AND THEN, FUCKING WERTSHAFTER GAVE ME THE SHAFT! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT THE FIRST 300 TIMES YOU TOLD ME.
HE FIRED ME. ME, THE HARDEST WORKING,
MOST DEVOTED EMPLOYEE HE'S GOT. AND FOR WHAT?
WANKING TO THE WEB?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I WASN'T WANKING,
I WAS WATCHING. SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE IN THAT OFFICE.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE: I WASN'T WATCHING WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WATCHES.
STRAIGHT SEX! Ted: YEAH,
IT'S FINE TO SALIVATE
OVER SOME BIMBO WITH BOOBS THE SIZE OF FLOTATION DEVICES
STUFFING A ZUCCHINI UP HER TWAT.
BUT GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD SEE SOME GUY WITH PECS OF DEATH
SQUATTING ON A ROAD TEEPEE.
OH, THEN YOU'RE INSTANT- LY OUT ON YOUR ASS!
THAT'S DISCRIMINATION IN THE WORKPLACE.
YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT IT IS. IF HE THINKS FOR A MINUTE
THAT I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT BACK BECAUSE I'M TOO COWARDLY
TO REVEAL MY SEX- UALITY, LIKE YOU...
NO OFFENCE; BUT HE IS MIGHT- ILY MISTAKEN.
DON'T WORRY, TED.
WITH YOUR EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE, YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER JOB.
YEAH, I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE.
NOT AFTER THEY FIND OUT THE REASON I WAS CANNED. CHRIST!
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE.
WHAT, IN THAT FAG RAG? PLEASE.
WELL, I WAS THINKING
OF LOOKING FOR A MOONLIGHTING POSITION MYSELF,
SOMETHING TO AUGMENT MY INCOME, AND MY TUSH.
WHOO, WHAT'S THIS?
[ Reading ] EARN UP TO $100 AN HOUR.
AN HOUR?
DOING WHAT? WHY DON'T WE CALL AND FIND OUT?
HELLO, YES, I... I CAME ACROSS YOUR AD IN "OUT".
IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME.
SHHH!
IS IT TRUE YOU CAN EARN UP TO $100 AN HOUR?
REALLY?
AND, UM, AND WHAT EXACTLY DOES ONE HAVE TO DO?
VOLUNTEER FOR HIDEOUS MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS?
PFFF.
SERVE AS A LIVE TARGET FOR THE MILITARY?
OH, THAT'S ALL? AH.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE DOMESTIC SERVICES.
WAITERS, PRIVATE PARTIES,
MAIDS. IT A LOT OF BUCKS FOR LIGHT HOUSEKEEPING.
Michael: I COULD MAKE MORE IN A COUPLE HOURS THAN I CAN MAKE
IN A WEEK AT THE BIG Q. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I HAVE AN M.B.A. FROM WHARTON.
I DON'T DO WINDOWS.
I HAVE THREE SEMES- TERS FROM ALLEGHENY COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
I'LL DO ANYTHING.
OH, THAT'S FABULOUS. YES.
AH, WELL THANK YOU! MM-MM.
THEY HAVE OPENINGS RIGHT NOW.
WELL, BOYS...
THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.
WHOO, WHOO.
WHOO-WHOO- WHOO-WHOO.
D'YOU EVER SEE "CITIZEN KANE"?
YEAH.
ALL MY LIFE, ALL I'VE EVER HEARD
IS HOW IT'S THE GREATEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE.
SO, I FINALLY RENT IT.
THE GUY WHO PLAYS THE LEAD IS FAT...
THE STORY ABOUT SOME SLED SUCKS...
AND IT'S IN BLACK AND WHITE.
MAYBE YOU WERE EXPECTING TOO MUCH.
LIKE WITH YOU.
ALL I'VE EVER HEARD
IS HOW BRIAN KINNEY IS THE GREATEST FUCK EVER.
IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE BOTH HIGHLY OVERRATED.
WELL, EVERYBODY'S A CRITIC. AHH.
NEXT TIME, MAYBE YOU SHOULD RENT "BUTTHOLE BOYS".
I GAVE IT TWO THUMBS UP.
I-I CAME AT THE WRONG TIME.
YOU TWO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
MAY I COME IN?
YOUR PLACE IS VERY...
GLAMOROUS.
DOES THE TRICK. I'M SURE.
YOU KNOW, IF...
IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE SELLING, I'M A...
I'M A REALTOR NOW.
HE'S NOT HERE.
I KNOW.
IT'S WHY I CAME.
TO ASK YOU A FAVOUR.
I ALREADY DID YOU ONE.
YEAH BUT, UH...
THIS ONE'S FOR HIM.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE HIM.
'SCUSE ME?
I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY SON.
MRS. TAYLOR... JENNIFER.
WHATEVER.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE, UM...
WON'T LET ANYONE TOUCH HIM, OR...
LET ANYONE NEAR HIM.
HE SHOWS PRACTI- CALLY NO EMOTION
EXCEPT WHEN HE'S IN ONE OF HIS RAGES, OR HE...
WAKES UP SCREAMING FROM A NIGHTMARE.
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART.
THE WORST PART IS, UM...
STANDING THERE... HELPLESS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE?
[ Clatter of dishes ]
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO?
TOUCH HIM.
HELP HIM BE TOUCHED.
YOU WANT ME TO FUCK HIM?
[ Sighing ]
YOU'RE THE ONE HE TRUSTS.
IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES...
I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WANTED ME TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
I DON'T.
BUT, UM...
IF I'M EVER GOING TO...
SEE MY SON EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLE THE PERSON HE WAS,
I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.
THEN THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO?
NO RECOURSE, NO LAWSUIT, NO DAMAGES?
IN TWO WORDS, TEDDY:
YOU'RE SCREWED.
ACTUALLY, THAT'S THREE WITH THE CONTRACTION.
OW! [ Muttering ]
FUCK THIS THING.
THERE'S NO LAW IN THIS STATE
THAT PREVENTS DIS- CRIMINATION OF GAYS IN THE WORKPLACE.
WERTSHAFTER CAN DO WHAT- EVER THE HELL HE WANTS.
YEAH... FUCKING SON OF A BITCH.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A MIND TO WALK RIGHT IN
TO TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW I FEEL! WHY DON'T YOU?
LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, AND TELL HIM
THAT EVEN THOUGH THE LAW PERMITS IT,
YOU THINK WHAT HE DID IS UNJUSTIFIED AND UNCONSCIONABLE.
RIGHT. I JUST MIGHT DO THAT.
MAYBE.
[ Sigh ]
HEY, THANKS FOR THE ADVICE. AND THE SUCKER.
BYE. BYE.
POOR TED.
JUST ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF HAVING NO RIGHTS.
LIKE GETTING MARRIED.
YOU... ARE YOU GOING TO START WITH THAT AGAIN?
HEY, WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?
THAT NIGHT WE CAME BACK FROM MY SISTER'S WEDDING,
I WENT INTO THE GARDEN AFTER YOU FELL ASLEEP.
YOU DID?
MM-HM. I STOOD AND IMAGINED EXACTLY
HOW I WANTED OUR WEDDING TO LOOK.
UH, WHATTYACALLIT, A HOOPA?
CHUPEH.
CHUPEH,UNDER THE SYCAMORES,
WHITE SATIN RIBBON BOWS ON THE ARBOURS
AND LITTLE TWINKLING LIGHTS EVERYWHERE, LIKE THE MILKY WAY.
UH-HUH.
BUT TODAY, I WAS OUTSIDE
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO... DECORATE FOR GUS' PARTY
AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "PETERSON, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
I MEAN, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE 20 TOTS HERE ON SATURDAY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH...
TANTRUMS AND TEARS AND THROW-UP;
MEL'S RIGHT.
THE TIME TO BE ROMANTIC HAS PASSED."
WELL...
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
"IT'S A SILLY RITUAL
FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE. A BANKRUPT INSTITUTION."
NO. WE HAVE TO BE PRACTICAL NOW.
SO I APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL.
AND I PROMISE
TO NEVER, NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN.
SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD KEEP US APART.
[ Imitating Jennifer ] "I DON'T WANT YOU SEEING MY SON ANYMORE!"
WE SHOWED HER.
WOULD YOU SHUT UP? WHAT FOR?
BECAUSE I SAID SO AND BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE AN IMMATURE BRAT.
MAYBE I AM.
THEN YOU CAN GET YOUR ASS OUT AND WALK HOME.
RIGHT NOW.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
SHE WAS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE A MOTHER LIKE THAT.
NOW I GET TO STAY WITH YOU.
YEE-HA!
JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
EXCEPT FOR MY... GIMP HAND.
FUCKING HOBBS.
JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?
HOW COME YOU'RE DOING THIS?
WHAT, DRIVING WITH NO HANDS?
NO, WHY ARE YOU LETTING ME STAY WITH YOU?
WHY DO YOU CARE? IT'S WHAT YOU WANT, ISN'T IT?
I KNOW WHY.
IT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME MADLY,
PASSIONATELY, DEEPLY...
JUST LIKE I ALWAYS SUSPECTED.
Man: GET THE REST OF THAT STUFF OFF...
THIS IS A PRETTY FANCY PLACE.
WELL, FOR WHAT THEY'RE PAYING US, IT'D HAVE TO BE.
[ Chuckle ]
Michael: I'VE NEVER BEEN A WAITER.
I HOPE I CAN DO IT.
HONEY. THIS IS YOUR FAMILY BUSINESS.
IT'S IN YOUR BLOOD.
NOW YOU MAKE YOUR MOTHER PROUD.
A-ARE YOU TWO THE WAITERS?
UH, YES, SIR.
OHH.
WELL WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED?
UM, THEY SAID YOU'D GIVE US OUR UNIFORMS WHEN WE GOT HERE.
OH, THE OUTFITS. WHERE ARE THEIR OUTFITS?
QUICKLY. Man: RIGHT HERE.
QUICKLY.
HURRY UP AND PUT THESE ON.
WHERE'S THE REST OF THE TUX?
OHH.
UM, E-EXCUSE ME, I-I THINK THERE'S BEEN A...
A M-MISTAKE.
[ Chatter/laughter ]
[ ?????? ]
Various: O-OH, APPETIZERS.
S... UH, W-WHITE WINE, OR... OR RED?
Man: WHITE. VERY GOOD,
SIR.
Various: [ Lewd chuckles ]
AND RED.
Man: SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK.
All: [ Chuckling/chatter ]
SHRIMP BALLS?
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
OOH-OOH-HOO!
All: [ Laughing ]
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE TENDERLOIN.
OH-HO!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY OVER THERE?
COME CLOSER.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF SOME OF THE CLOTHES?
YOU MIGHT GET OVERHEATED.
ROLL OVER.
NO, DON'T. DON'T.
[ Panting ]
I CAN'T.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S NOT OKAY.
YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS ENOUGH DISORDERS
TO MERIT YOUR OWN CLASSIFICATION
IN THE DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL,
YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST WELL ADJUSTED
AND HIGH FUNCTION- ING BASTARDS I KNOW.
THANKS. WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
A SERIES OF HOPELESS ADDIC- TIONS, FOR ONE.
AND NEVER SEEING A SHRINK, FOR ANOTHER.
YOU'RE SEEING ONE NOW.
SO, UH, YOU TRIED TO HOLD HIM,
TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, BUT HE WOULDN'T LET YOU TOUCH HIM?
THAT MUST BE A FIRST FOR YOU.
HOWEVER, IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS,
NATURALLY HE'S GOING TO BE AFRAID TO LET ANYONE TOUCH HIM.
EVEN YOU. BUT HE'LL GET OVER IT, RIGHT?
THAT DEPENDS. IT'S LIKE A... A FAIRY TALE.
RAPUNZEL TRAPPED IN THE TOWER,
HANSEL AND GRETEL CAGED BY THE WITCH. ONLY IN THIS CASE,
IT'S JUSTIN'S MEMORY THAT'S BEEN LOCKED UP.
AND IT'S... IT'S UP TO YOU TO RELEASE IT.
HANDSOME PRINCE.
[ Sigh ] AND...
HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT?
TRIGGER HIS MEMORY.
GET HIM TO FEEL THE PAIN.
ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
UNTIL HE CAN PROCESS IT AND MOVE BEYOND IT,
HE'S ALWAYS GOING TO FEEL ISOLATED, UNHAPPY, ALONE.
HE'S NOT JUST THE WALKING WOUNDED;
THE WALKING DEAD.
AHHH.
YOU'RE VERY ELOQUENT WHEN I'M DRUNK.
I'M AFRAID OUR TIME'S UP.
SO HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
I'LL TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE...
NEXT TIME I SEE YOU IN THE BATHS.
HUH!
[ Club ?????? ]
IT WAS AWFUL.
ALL THESE DIRTY- MINDED OLD MEN
STARING AT ME AND PINCHING MY ASS.
IT WAS FABULOUS! ALL THESE DIRTY- MINDED OLD MEN
STARING AT ME, PINCHING MY ASS!
WELCOME TO "POINT-COUNTERPOINT".
BESIDES, WHAT ARE A FEW BRUISE MARKS?
NOW, DOESN'T THAT FEEL BETTER?
WE EACH MADE $500.
HOW MUCH IS THAT AFTER TAXES?
WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?
YOU'RE AN ACCOUNTANT.
WASAN ACCOUNTANT.
WELL, IT'S CLEAR TO ME WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
HOW TO OPEN A MILK CARTON ISN'T CLEAR TO YOU.
NEVERTHELESS, I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS.
SUE HIM.
KICK HIS HOMO- PHOBIC ASS... OW!
SORRY, SWEETIE; TO COURT. AND SUE HIM FOR 10 MIL.
NO, MAKE IT 20. OKAY. THERE.
[ Chuckle ] MY TURN.
THAT'S BRILLIANT,
ONLY, MELANIE TOLD ME THERE'S NO LAWS IN THIS STATE
COVERING DISCRIM- INATION BASED ON SEXUAL ORIENTATION.
SCRATCH THAT.
NO, YOU JUST RUB.
I'M GOING TO TALK TO WERTSHAFTER.
CONFRONT HIM LIKE A MAN. TELL HIM, "LOOK,
I'VE BEEN A LOYAL AND DEVOTED EMPLOYEE HERE FOR NINE YEARS.
YOU'VE GOT NO RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS JUST BECAUSE I'M GAY."
THEN I'M GOING TO GROVEL.
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.
WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC PUSSY- BOYS ARE YOU?
WHERE'S YOUR PRIDE? WHERE'S YOUR SELF-RESPECT?
WHERE'S YOUR DIGNITY?
[ Ringing of telephone ]
HELLO?
YES, THIS IS HE.
WHAT... YES, I-I BELIEVE I WOULD BE AVAILABLE.
MM-HM.
MM-HM. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
A WEALTHY CLIENT WOULD LIKE AN ATTRACTIVE DOMESTIC
TO POLISH HIS SILVER.
I HOPE YOUR ASS HOLDS UP.
HMMM. 100 BUCKS AN HOUR BUYS AN AWFUL LOT OF LOTION.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
I'M OFF TO BUFF IN THE BUFF!
SO MUCH FOR DIGNITY.
[ ?????? ]
WELL... WE WERE DANCING.
AND, UM, I THINK THEY WERE PLAYING THIS.
ANYWAYS, THAT'S WHEN BRIAN CAME IN
AND HE HAD ON... A TUX.
AND A WHITE SILK SCARF.
I THINK I REMEMBER THAT.
I'M NOT SURE.
WELL, UM... HE LOOKED AWESOME!
AND HE SAID TO ME...
"YOU LOOK HOT, DAPHNE. I'D FUCK YOU."
[ Chuckle ] HUH.
AND THEN HE ASKED IF HE COULD BORROW YOU
TO DANCE, AND HE TOOK YOUR HAND,
AND, UH, LED YOU TO THE DANCE FLOOR.
THEY WERE PLAYING THIS.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
MAYBE, UH...
YOU'LL REMEMBER SOMETHING.
?? ...WITH THE GUY WHO GIVES YOU THE EYE ??
?? LET HIM HOLD YOU TIGHT ??
?? YOU CAN SMILE EVERY SMILE ??
?? FOR THE MAN WHO HELD YOUR HAND ??
?? 'NEATH THE PALE MOONLIGHT ??
?? BUT DON'T FORGET WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING ??
[ Sigh ] WELL? ?? SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
WE REALLY DANCED TO THIS CORNY OLD SONG?
[ Chuckle ]
AH... I'D PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS "RIDICULOUSLY ROMANTIC".
Daphne: YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN IT.
YOU AND BRIAN HAD THE ENTIRE FLOOR TO YOURSELVES.
?? BUT DON'T FORGET... ??
WE DID SOME, UM...
PRETTY FANCY MOVES.
[ ?????? ]
MOUTHS WERE DROPPING.
IT WAS SO COOL. AND THEN,
WHEN YOU GUYS KISSED...
IT WAS SO HOT.
YOU KISSED ME?
IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?
YEAH.
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE.
?? YOU CAN DANCE ?? ?? YOU CAN DANCE ??
?? GO AND CARRY ON TILL THE NIGHT IS GONE ??
?? AND IT'S TIME TO GO ??
SO, FIRST DAY BACK. HOW'D YOU FEEL?
HUH, LIKE I NEVER LEFT. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
WORKING AT THE BIG Q KIND OF SPOILS YOU FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
[ Chuckling ] YEAH. THERE YOU ARE, NOVOTNY.
STELLA JUST CALLED IN SICK.
I NEED YOU TO STAY TILL MIDNIGHT.
BUT I JUST FINISHED A 10-HOUR SHIFT.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?
BECAUSE I'D HATE TO THINK I HIRED AN ASSISTANT MANAGER
WHO'S REFUSING TO DO THE JOB.
SURE, I'LL STAY. HAPPY TO.
GOOD.
TAKE OFF YOUR COAT, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME,
AND START RETAGGING THESE.
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
OH. AND, UH...
WELCOME BACK.
LOOK, I CAN CALL MY BOYFRIEND AND CANCEL DINNER.
UH, HE NEEDS TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS ANYWAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU GO ON, TRACE.
THERE'S NO REASON EVERYONE'S NIGHT SHOULD BE RUINED.
[ Sigh ] OKAY.
Store announcer: [ On P.A. ] ATTENTION, BIG Q SHOPPERS,
THE STORE WILL BE CLOSING IN 15 MINUTES.
[ Deep sigh ]
YOU WALKED DOWN WITH ME BACK TO THE JEEP.
AND WE WERE, UH... WE WERE GOOFING...
SINGING, AND WE WERE DANCING...
[ Laughter ]
I KISSED YOU. I SAID, "LATER".
AND THEN YOU TURNED AROUND, AND, UM...
SMILED.
HUH! THEN I KNEW WHY DEBBIE CALLS YOU SUNSHINE.
AND THEN I WENT BACK TO THE JEEP AND AS I...
SAW HIM IN THE MIRROR COMING AFTER YOU...
JUSTIN!
[ Thud of falling ]
[ Running of steps ]
[ Dropping of bat ]
CHRIST!
DON'T YOU... REMEMBER ANYTHING?
[ Sighing ]
[ Sigh ]
I WISH I COULD REMEMBER.
I WISH I COULD FORGET.
SCHMIDT. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?
I, UH, CAME BY TO PICK UP MY MR. COFFEE, AND...
TO SPEAK WITH YOU, SIR. IF I MAY.
[ Nervous cough ] MR. WERTSHAFTER,
AS A LOYAL AND DEVOTED EMPLOYEE HERE OF NINE YEARS...
8 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, 6 DAYS.
YOU ALWAYS WERE PRECISE, SIR.
RIGHT DOWN TO THE DIGIT.
THAT'S WHY IT SAYS WERTSHAFTER ON THE DOOR,
I GUESS... [ Muttering ]
[ Nervous chuckle ]
I JUST... I WANT... I WANT YOU TO KNOW H-HOW...
UNREASONABLE AND UNFAIR I THINK IT IS
THAT YOU DISMISSED ME OVER SUCH A MINOR INFRACTION.
I'M SURE IF IT HAD BEEN ONE OF THE OTHERS,
YOU WOULD'VE JUST LOOKED THE OTHER WAY.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS BECAUSE I'M... I'M...
A HOMOSEXUAL.
PRECISELY.
YOU GAYS,
EVERY TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS, YOU THINK IT'S DISCRIMINATION.
WELL, THIS ISN'T ABOUT DISCRIMINATION.
THIS IS ABOUT COMPANY POLICY:
"ANYONE FOUND USING THE INTERNET
FOR REASONS OTHER THAN BUSINESS PURPOSES
WILL BE DISMISSED FORTHWITH."
YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T CHARGE YOU FOR THE TIME YOU SPENT ON-LINE.
YES, SIR. THANK YOU, SIR.
SCHMIDT.
YES, SIR?
ONE MORE THING.
ARE YOU HAPPY BEING AN ACCOUNTANT?
HAPPY? DOES BALANCING THE BOOKS
MAKE YOUR HEART BEAT FASTER?
NO, SIR. NOT REALLY.
THEN I'M DOING YOU A FAVOUR.
NEXT TIME, FIND YOURSELF SOMETHING
YOU HAVE A PASSION FOR.
OTHERWISE, YOU'RE JUST JERKING YOURSELF OFF.
All: [ Mixed chatter/cheers ]
Debbie: ISN'T THAT GORGEOUS?
LOOKIT HERE!
MAKE A WISH, SWEETHEART!
I WANT A NEW JOB. I WANT A NEW JOB.
NOT YOU.
HE'S TOO YOUNG. AND I REALLY NEED IT.
Melanie: ONE, TWO, THREE.
[ Deep breath in ]
All: YAY!
Child: LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE!
YOU KNOW, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY
WHAT A THRILL IT IS FOR LINDSAY AND ME
TO BE CELEBRATING OUR BEAUTIFUL SON'S VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY,
AND HOW HAPPY WE ARE.
HOW VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE ALL HERE TO SHARE IT WITH US.
YOU CUT THE SCHMALTZ SO I CAN CUT THE CAKE!
[ Chuckling ]
OH, OKAY, GRAB A PLATE BEFORE THE ICE CREAM MELTS. COME ON.
HI.
Girl: THANK YOU.
[ Mixed chatter ]
[ Chuckle ]
MMM.
YES, HONEY?
ARE YOU AND HER MARRIED?
UM...
NO, SWEETIE, WE'RE NOT.
HOW COME?
ASK YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY
TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU IN ABOUT...
OH, 20 YEARS.
[ Giggling ]
WANT SOME?
YOU KNOW, WHITE FLOUR AND WHITE SUGAR
ARE ABOUT THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR BODY.
UH-HUH.
30 YEARS AGO...
WE HAD YOUR FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY.
IN THE BACKYARD. WITH THE KIDS, AND THE CAKE...
AND THE SWING SET. HUH.
I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT A GRATCHET IS.
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE, HUH?
YOU'RE WRONG, MA.
THINGS CHANGE A LOT.
IF YOU DON'T CHANGE WITH THEM,
THEN YOU GET LEFT BEHIND.
LOOK AT ME, I'M... I'M RIGHT BACK
IN THE SAME PLACE I WAS BEFORE.
AND EVERYBODY ELSE HAS MOVED ON.
I FEEL LOST, MA.
OH, BABY.
YOU'RE NOT LOST.
YOU'RE JUST FULL OF SHIT.
[ Sigh ]
YOU'RE ONLY LOST IF YOU'RE ALONE.
YOU ARE SUR- ROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR WAY.
NOW GO ENJOY THE PARTY.
HMM? OH, WAIT.
TSK. SHIT.
All: [ Gasps of surprise ]
WOW!
OH!
LET'S SEE!
YES! OH-H!
LOOK!
YOUR SON'S GOING TO BE A BASEBALL PLAYER!
YEAH WELL, IF YOU MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM,
I'M GOING TO HOLD YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE.
WHOOO! OOH! [ Chuckling ]
Emmett: BASEBALL! YAY!
Emmett: YOU SWING THAT BAT, BIG BOY!
JUSTIN.
JUSTIN!
[ Thud of falling ]
[ Gasp ]
OOPS.
THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY.
THANKS.
WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO FOR HIS SECOND?
LEAVE TOWN AND STICK YOU WITH IT.
[ Chuckle ] HERE, GIVE ME A HAND.
YOU KNOW, THIS, UH...
WOULD BE THE PERFECT PLACE FOR A WEDDING.
THE WHITE SATIN BOWS ON THE ARBOUR...
THE TWINKLING LIGHTS...
ACHUPEH... ONLY, NOT UNDER THE SYCAMORES.
I WAS THINKING... OVER BY THE ROSE BUSHES.
LINZ...
I THOUGHT WE PUT THIS TO REST ONCE AND FOR ALL.
KENDALL MORGAN WOKE IT UP IN ME.
WHO?
THE LITTLE GIRL WHO ASKED IF WE WERE MARRIED.
I REALIZED THAT SOME DAY,
OUR KID IS GOING TO ASK US THAT VERY SAME QUESTION.
AND WHEN HE DOES, I HAVE TO SAY NO,
THEN HE'D WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT,
AND THEN I'D HAVE TO TELL HIM BECAUSE...
STRAIGHT PEOPLE WOULDN'T LET US.
ONLY, THAT'S NOT THE WHOLE TRUTH.
WHICH IS?
WE WOULDN'T GIVE OURSELVES PERMISSION.
SORRY. [ Clearing of throat ]
IF IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BE ROMANTIC,
LINDSAY PETERSON,
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
NOW YOU'RE PROPOSING TO ME?
WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO THINK IT OVER.
YES!
Both: [ Giggling ]
AAAH!
[ Laughing ]
[ Groan ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Giggling/yelping ]
[ Laughter ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Yawning ]
BETTER NOW? MM-HM.
YOU REALLY FREAKED ME OUT.
WHAT, YOU?
IT WAS LIKE, YOU GOT HIT ALL OVER AGAIN.
I REMEMBERED WALKING AWAY AND...
SUDDENLY HEARING YOUR VOICE CALL MY NAME
TO WARN ME.
YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THAT.
YOU TRIED TO SAVE ME.
GUESS I FORGOT.
[ Sighing ]
IT'S A GOOD THING ONE OF US REMEMBERED.
I WANT YOU INSIDE ME.
ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH. JUST...
TAKE IT EASY.
LIKE THE FIRST TIME.
[ ?????? ]
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